Saturday, May 26, 2012

Little Riot Girl pt 3

There were a few minor obstacles to be dealt with here and there.
At about 28 weeks (I think) I started having a lot of contractions. They would be about 5 minutes apart for about an hour, drop to ten minutes apart for an hour, fade away for a bit, do it again... all lasting around five or so hours at a time. Lame. The general consensus was I was just doing too much and had an "Irritable Uterus" so I was put on "Modified Bed Rest". Basically, quit running around for 5-12 hours a day and spend more time at home. If I went out to say the grocery for an hour, I need to go home and rest for two. That sort of thing.

It actually did seem to help.

At my last growth check ultrasound, we however, got more bad news.
My little Riot is not growing and striving in the womb.
She was in the 67th percentile for growth, then dropped to34, then all the way down to the 9th.

Her head was measuring on target but her abdomen was measuring two weeks behind. This gave her the diagnosis of Asymetrical Interuterine Growth Restriction.

It means that something is not functioning correctly within the womb and she is pulling what nutrients she can get to her brain and not getting the fat deposits and overall growth that she should.

Because of this she needs to be monitored very closely. If the conditions in the womb stay stable, she can stay in, week to week. But if she starts to show any signs of distress or drops weight or is overall not striving she needs to be pulled out fairly quickly.

IUGR is tied closely to stillbirth. :-(

The overall prognosis is we are trying to keep her in as long as possible, but get her out before the environment in the womb deteriorates.

We know that she will *most* likely have to come out as soon as she is to term. For some reason the incident of stillbirth dramatically increases after 37 weeks.
We know that no matter how long she stays in, she'll be small. She will most likely have to visit the NICU for a bit. IUGR babies are normally born between 3-5 pounds. The good news is, because she is already over three pounds, she should be one of the "bigger" IUGR babies. Hopefully, she'll stay in long enough for her lungs to be developed.

IF all the things line up correctly, she'll stay healthy in there until closer to the end of June, her lungs will be developed, she'll be close to five pounds, and I can have a normal (although induced) vaginal birth.

The complications that could come up revolve around if she is in distress or if she is still able to get nutrients and oxygen. She might have to be induced early. We might only be allowed to do a c-section because sometimes the stress of labor is too much for an already stressed, small baby.
We might have to do steroid shots to boost her lung development for an early delivery.

There's a whole lot of if's involved right now.

My doctors say that with proper monitoring I have no higher risk of stillbirth than anyone else as of right now. That it will be a slow deterioration with warning signs. After her next growth check, from there we will develop more of a plan.
Right now we are doing a growth check one week and the next week a Biophysical Profile. Depending on how they go, we will add in more doctor visits with more ultrasounds and more NST's.

I can't say I'm not a little scared again. I was fine with the clubfoot, but this does make me more concerned again about 'further issues'. The keep telling me that they are unrelated and I have no 'higher risk' than anyone else.. they actually say I have a lower chance than anyone else at the moment because we've already ruled out pretty much everything and the ultrasounds would have picked up anything else abnormal by this point. I'm also still scared that she won't be coming home with me. I'm scared she'll pass in the womb before I get a chance to rush to the hospital, even though they assure me that won't happen. I'm scared she'll have problems in the NICU and maybe not do well. Overall, I'm scared of not knowing.

I'm a little bit of a control freak to an extent. I at least need to know. I need to know what I'm facing. I need to know how to plan. I need to know what to research, what I can do. But I can't. I can't really know or plan for anything right now.

I don't know what comes with having a preemie baby. I don't know what comes with having a preemie baby with special needs. I don't know what "Stuff" is best... should I get a swing? Should I get a bouncer? Are they too 'stimulating" or "stressful"? Do they put her at the wrong angle? Is her casts going to be too heavy on her hips to be sat in those things? How do I sling her with casts? How do I sling a preemie baby? How do I sling a Preemie baby with Casts? Holy crap! It's just all very scary and very challenging.

I'm afraid for our birth. I'm scared of c-sections. I'm scared of not making the right decisions based on my fears. I'm afraid that the "Holistic Crunchy Mama" in me is trained too well in birth and medical interventions to make the RIGHT choices for Riot. What is I am so afraid of the interventions that I refuse something that she really needs? What if my birth fears make things harder for her, or make her not make it at all?

I'm afraid of what is going to happen after the birth. I'm afraid that I might reject her a little because she is not the "baby I dreamed of" instead of celebrating her for the baby she IS. I feel terrible for that.

I'm afraid that she will not be breathing, that her lungs will be too small, that there will be something wrong, she'll be too weak. That she'll be whisked away for testing and procedures and I won't even be able to see her. I"m afraid of PPD/PPA. I'm afraid of how I'll be treated.

I'm afraid of her being in the NICU. I'm afraid our breastfeeding relationship and bonding will be affected. I'm afraid of what the time I'll have to be away will do to my Rebel girl. I'm afraid the tubes and monitors will scare me. I'm afraid of coming home without my baby.

I'm afraid of Bringing her home. What do I do? What will having a tiny baby mean?

I'm afraid of what people will say. What will they think? Will we get mean looks? Pathetic looks of sympathy? Will people make mean comments about her casts? Will people think I've hurt her?

There's so much. So much to be scary. So much to be afraid of.

I'm holding up. I'm being strong. I'm taking things day by day.

But this blow after blow is starting to get to me. I can't enjoy this pregnancy at all. I know it's my last and that makes it all even more bitter. I already know I won't be able to enjoy my birth and that also makes me very bitter.

But I'll love my little Riot no matter what. I DO overall, have faith that things are going to be fine. I have faith that I can handle all of this. I have faith my little Riot choose me and she is going to be the perfect addition to our family. I just have to get her here. :-)

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