Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Take a Deep Breath

Have I mentioned that I suffer from a severe anxiety and panic disorder?I also have PTSD and touches of a few other fun things. This is the main reason why I am not working. It comes and goes in waves sometimes. About six weeks postpartum is got terrible.

So, sometimes the little things are a big, big deal to me. Since the birth of Rebel I have developed intrusive thoughts to go along with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's this spinning web of thoughts that I can not control. For example, I might see the baby skip a breath and for the rest of the night I won't be able to sleep because I'm too busy worrying.
"What if she quits breathing?"
"What's wrong with her?"
"What if something is very wrong and that little breath was a symptom?"
"Maybe she has a heart problem."
"Maybe she has ashma"
"What if she gets cancer or something?"
And on and on it goes

I've been able to control it for the most part with a somewhat specialized diet, meditation and breathing techniques and natural remedies. Before I started trying to conceive I was taking an anti depressant daily, plus an anti anxiety every 8 hours so I was pretty medicated.

I only explain all of this because sometimes the little things that 'normal' people can do is sometimes a big deal to me. I can't always do things that I want because of my disorder.

When things are kind of weird and stressful around the house, of course, it flairs up more. That's kind of where we have been lately. Lot's of crappy news and hard times have been going on around here and I feel like I am simply struggling to breathe (literally) sometimes.

Well, right now, life it good. I've got my cloth diapers in the wash. I have a cuddly, sleeping baby on my chest. My big girl is relaxing on the couch with us playing the Sims on her laptop.

Today we ventured out to the Farmer's Market. It's a big undertaking for me and normally something I'd never do without my safety net, ie husband, to take me and keep me sane and healthy. My Mother in Law did come with us but she's not really 'prepped' into how to handle me if I have an attack so I was still a little nervous.

It turned out to be just fine and lots of fun. I am also so proud of myself when I make it to do 'normal' people things. I was walking around downtown, maneuvering the streets and finding my way back to the parking garage where I left my car and I said, "I feel like a brave woman" right now. And I did.

I bought some nice yummy local produce. Some local honey that I had ran out of. The kiddo got a hotdog and got to watch a magic show. It was a great day.

Sometimes I have to remember to just take a deep breath. Just breathe. We have to try to handle what we can as it comes to us. I know there is a lot to planning for the future. Every step we make does imprint on what's to come, BUT some days I have to learn to just let it go and enjoy the tiny little bits of daily life as they come.

Today, I took a deep breath
I walked around the local market (While Babywearing! heehee)
I took another deep breath
Then I appreciated the time spent with my big girl
I watched the enjoyment on her face as she watched the magician
I took another deep breath
Came home and nursed my youngest
I held her and cuddled her as she fell asleep
My breathing slowed
And I was able to just relax and take the day for just today


  1. You are an incredible person - never let yourself get caught in that trap of saying, "I can't do the *normal* things because ..."

    You *can* do it. Granted, it may take a little prep work, and it may take you a little longer, but *you* *can* *DO* *it* !

    Shawn's flairs up when she gets around people she doesn't know, or large crowds of people. So, that and financial woes have kept us from DragonCon for a while now ... I'm still planning on taking her one day, because I think she'd enjoy it, but I know it will pose some additional challenges.

    You just keep doing what you're doing. The Rebel is a bright precocious bundle of joy, and your big girl is even more bright right at the moment. I know it's a struggle, but I'm rooting for you too.


  2. I <3 you Ky. Thank you.
    You two will make it one day. Just bring lots of pills, heehee, that's how I make it through our annual New Orleans trips. But I look forward to it so much I rarely need them. I just need to know I have them. ;-)
    Having a hubby's like you and Dropout is what keeps anxiety ridden creatures like Shawn and I afloat and we thank you.