A little bit up

Everything seems to be going a little bit up from some of the downs we've had lately.

Dropout has landed a fairly cushy sounding job that will not only, hopefully, keep him intellectually challenged and interested but also provide us with a decent pay raise and benefits. The schedule is not bad either :-)

We are pretty excited about that. He will not officially start until August. But until then he is going to go in a couple nights a week to shadow. They are paying him for that, so it should help make up a bit for the hours I am loosing by not working my 1-2 shifts at the store currently. :-)

Baby Riot is growing!
It's an amazing turn, over all. She grew half a pound in two weeks! It's pretty unheard of in IUGR babies to have that sort of leap so we can say one of two things: A. Either she does not fall into IUGR baby after all OR B. She is just an amazing, remarkable little fighter. :-)

She jumped from the 9th percentile to the 21st. She still has some growth restriction signs so we are not out of the woods or anything per say, but looking up. She still has Head Sparing (Pulling to the brain and sacrificing the rest of the body). Her head measures on target though, which is great news. Her little legs are measuring a week ahead, so it looks like she'll be long and leggy like my other girls. :-) And her abdomen is still about three weeks behind. She's not got a lot of fat deposits, but muscle tone, as of right now appears to be good.

I've stayed on the couch about 90% of the day for the past several weeks and started eating a high protein diet and eating Protein rich Ensure and Boost. I read it helped. My doctor said it wouldn't but, hey something did so we are sticking with it!

If by some chance we can keep it up and she stays with that consistent level of growth we SHOULD be able to get her up to about 5, 5 1/2 pounds before she is born. In which case she won't have to go to NICU unless she is just really weak. It also means we shouldn't have to take her early OR have a c-section. Yay for that!

So, overall, great news this way!

Our next appointment is a Biophysical Profile on Friday so hopefully it will continue to look up. We won't know how much she's grown for another two weeks and by that point I'll be36 weeks.

fingers crossed!

Little Riot Girl pt 3

There were a few minor obstacles to be dealt with here and there.
At about 28 weeks (I think) I started having a lot of contractions. They would be about 5 minutes apart for about an hour, drop to ten minutes apart for an hour, fade away for a bit, do it again... all lasting around five or so hours at a time. Lame. The general consensus was I was just doing too much and had an "Irritable Uterus" so I was put on "Modified Bed Rest". Basically, quit running around for 5-12 hours a day and spend more time at home. If I went out to say the grocery for an hour, I need to go home and rest for two. That sort of thing.

It actually did seem to help.

At my last growth check ultrasound, we however, got more bad news.
My little Riot is not growing and striving in the womb.
She was in the 67th percentile for growth, then dropped to34, then all the way down to the 9th.

Her head was measuring on target but her abdomen was measuring two weeks behind. This gave her the diagnosis of Asymetrical Interuterine Growth Restriction.

It means that something is not functioning correctly within the womb and she is pulling what nutrients she can get to her brain and not getting the fat deposits and overall growth that she should.

Because of this she needs to be monitored very closely. If the conditions in the womb stay stable, she can stay in, week to week. But if she starts to show any signs of distress or drops weight or is overall not striving she needs to be pulled out fairly quickly.

IUGR is tied closely to stillbirth. :-(

The overall prognosis is we are trying to keep her in as long as possible, but get her out before the environment in the womb deteriorates.

We know that she will *most* likely have to come out as soon as she is to term. For some reason the incident of stillbirth dramatically increases after 37 weeks.
We know that no matter how long she stays in, she'll be small. She will most likely have to visit the NICU for a bit. IUGR babies are normally born between 3-5 pounds. The good news is, because she is already over three pounds, she should be one of the "bigger" IUGR babies. Hopefully, she'll stay in long enough for her lungs to be developed.

IF all the things line up correctly, she'll stay healthy in there until closer to the end of June, her lungs will be developed, she'll be close to five pounds, and I can have a normal (although induced) vaginal birth.

The complications that could come up revolve around if she is in distress or if she is still able to get nutrients and oxygen. She might have to be induced early. We might only be allowed to do a c-section because sometimes the stress of labor is too much for an already stressed, small baby.
We might have to do steroid shots to boost her lung development for an early delivery.

There's a whole lot of if's involved right now.

My doctors say that with proper monitoring I have no higher risk of stillbirth than anyone else as of right now. That it will be a slow deterioration with warning signs. After her next growth check, from there we will develop more of a plan.
Right now we are doing a growth check one week and the next week a Biophysical Profile. Depending on how they go, we will add in more doctor visits with more ultrasounds and more NST's.



I can't say I'm not a little scared again. I was fine with the clubfoot, but this does make me more concerned again about 'further issues'. The keep telling me that they are unrelated and I have no 'higher risk' than anyone else.. they actually say I have a lower chance than anyone else at the moment because we've already ruled out pretty much everything and the ultrasounds would have picked up anything else abnormal by this point. I'm also still scared that she won't be coming home with me. I'm scared she'll pass in the womb before I get a chance to rush to the hospital, even though they assure me that won't happen. I'm scared she'll have problems in the NICU and maybe not do well. Overall, I'm scared of not knowing.


I'm a little bit of a control freak to an extent. I at least need to know. I need to know what I'm facing. I need to know how to plan. I need to know what to research, what I can do. But I can't. I can't really know or plan for anything right now.

I don't know what comes with having a preemie baby. I don't know what comes with having a preemie baby with special needs. I don't know what "Stuff" is best... should I get a swing? Should I get a bouncer? Are they too 'stimulating" or "stressful"? Do they put her at the wrong angle? Is her casts going to be too heavy on her hips to be sat in those things? How do I sling her with casts? How do I sling a preemie baby? How do I sling a Preemie baby with Casts? Holy crap! It's just all very scary and very challenging.

I'm afraid for our birth. I'm scared of c-sections. I'm scared of not making the right decisions based on my fears. I'm afraid that the "Holistic Crunchy Mama" in me is trained too well in birth and medical interventions to make the RIGHT choices for Riot. What is I am so afraid of the interventions that I refuse something that she really needs? What if my birth fears make things harder for her, or make her not make it at all?

I'm afraid of what is going to happen after the birth. I'm afraid that I might reject her a little because she is not the "baby I dreamed of" instead of celebrating her for the baby she IS. I feel terrible for that.

I'm afraid that she will not be breathing, that her lungs will be too small, that there will be something wrong, she'll be too weak. That she'll be whisked away for testing and procedures and I won't even be able to see her. I"m afraid of PPD/PPA. I'm afraid of how I'll be treated.

I'm afraid of her being in the NICU. I'm afraid our breastfeeding relationship and bonding will be affected. I'm afraid of what the time I'll have to be away will do to my Rebel girl. I'm afraid the tubes and monitors will scare me. I'm afraid of coming home without my baby.

I'm afraid of Bringing her home. What do I do? What will having a tiny baby mean?

I'm afraid of what people will say. What will they think? Will we get mean looks? Pathetic looks of sympathy? Will people make mean comments about her casts? Will people think I've hurt her?

There's so much. So much to be scary. So much to be afraid of.

I'm holding up. I'm being strong. I'm taking things day by day.

But this blow after blow is starting to get to me. I can't enjoy this pregnancy at all. I know it's my last and that makes it all even more bitter. I already know I won't be able to enjoy my birth and that also makes me very bitter.

But I'll love my little Riot no matter what. I DO overall, have faith that things are going to be fine. I have faith that I can handle all of this. I have faith my little Riot choose me and she is going to be the perfect addition to our family. I just have to get her here. :-)

Little Riot Girl Pt 2

20 weeks to 24 went pretty well.
Other than some awful morning sickness in the very start things had gone okay and the pregnancy had not been overtly bad.
I was a little concerned how nursing my Rebel girl and being pregnant would good. (And honestly, that should be a whole other blog post) but health wise it did not appear to be affecting me or Riot.
I was insanely tied some days, but eh, I'm insanely tired some days when I'm not pregnant. :-)

We went to our 24 week ultrasound to get the rest of her measurements. It was taking awhile without a lot of talking and I was started to get concerned that something was wrong.

The ultrasound tech kind of looked over and said, "Your baby has clubfoot affecting both feet." I had heard of clubfoot before. I was, of course, a little crushed and concerned. She said, it's not a big deal and it is pretty easily corrected. Even that one of the girls that worked with her was born with two clubfeet. However, it can be linked to other issues and that is why they were trying to get a better look at some things.

We had still not seen her face and we wanted to rule out cleft palate for sure. Knowing there was one genetic defect was bad enough without having to have the concern that there could be more. I wasn't sure how to feel or what to think at that point.

For the most part we were told that everything they could see was checking out okay. They were able to confirm she had all her fingers and all her toes (and no extra) they were able to see that the cord had the proper  chambers, the heart the proper chambers, the brain checked out etc etc. She looked okay other than the feet but there were still a few things we needed to check out and she was not cooperating. (Little Riot)

We were told the doctor would come in and talk to us. We waited.
And waited. I was getting anxious and panic'y.

I was trying to tell myself, it wasn't a big deal. Things would be fine. No big deal. It was just clubfoot, you do some casting and bracing and it's over. But the concept and idea of MORE issues was weighing very heavy on me. As well as, what did this mean? How was her first few months going to go? Does this affect my birth choices at all? Will she be whisked away from me after birth? etc etc

The doctor came in and it went exactly like this, no joke

Doctor walks in, goes straight to ultrasound monitor, flips through images:
Doctor: "So your baby has clubfoot (.) (?) " - not sure if it was a statement or question
Me, "Yes, I guess it appears so"
Doctor: "Well, do you know what this means, do you have any questions?"
Me: "Well, yes, I guess probably about a 100"
Doctor: "we will schedule you a follow up"
Doctor hands chart to nurse, walks out.


Super duper frikin awesome.

thank goodness gracious that I had an appointment at my regular OB right after.
I finished checking out. Dropout had to go back to work, things were crazy over there that day and I went to my OB.

I think I added some things into the ultrasound above that I actually didn't know until I met with him.
He was the one to tell me that everything else looked good. He said she had her fingers and toes, and the cord was good, placenta, she had all her organs, the heart looked good, spine looked good, basically that there was no reason to believe it would be anything more than a case of clubfoot.
He said that combined with my quad screening that came up with next to no chance of Down Syndrome, Tri 13/18 and other "big" issue genetic conditions that things looked okay.

That was very reassuring. I'm grateful he was able to at least somewhat calm those fears.

From there we had to meet with the genetic counselor.
That meeting actually went well. The GC was very sweet. Dropout was not able to get off work. (We had been trying to avoid him taking any actual time off so he'd have more with Riot got her) so I brought Erin along who is a friend of mine. She was really sweet to come with me.

The GC said that Clubfoot is actually one of the most common birth defects and normally it is not associated with any other conditions. There's a few things that seem to be connected but because of the quad screening we had pretty much ruled them out. We talked some more about family history. It turns out after this came out that my mother told me my uncle had been born with clubfoot, also Dropout had a mild version that they call "pigeon toed" and a few other mild cases like that apparently ran on both sides of the family.

Therefore, I left pretty confident that there was nothing left to be concerned about. It was just a random case of genetic bilateral clubfoot and she'd just be a little special needs for a little while. No big deal. :-)


I did a lot of research. I needed to prepare myself for what we would be looking at.
What the plan was going to be. How we should treat it. Where are the best doctors?

I found a method of treatment that I really liked called the Ponseti Method. I found a great support group online of moms (and dads) from all over that have used the method. It was nice to find that.

The doctor that was closest to me and recommend was in Atlanta, GA. So I set up a consultation.

We set up a babysitter for Rebel (and Lil, Oh, who's now decided she wants her online nickname to be Punky) and drove down to Atlanta. It wasn't that bad of a drive.

Dr. Schrader kind of looked at us like we were crazy though. He said there was no point in me driving all the way down there because there's a doctor in Knoxville that he knew and trained with and would do a good job.

But hearing that from a recommended doctor did reassure me.
He confirmed what we would be looking at treatment wise.

About 4-14 days after birth we will start a casting process. The casts will go from toes to thighs and will be changed out once a week for about 5-6 weeks. From there she will have a small surgery to clip the Achilles tendon. Then she will go back into a cast for three weeks while that heals. From there she will get special shoes that have a bar that connects across the bottom and she will wear it close to 24 hours a day for about six months. Then she'll wear it less and less until she's only wearing it at night for about 4 years.

Overall, no big deal.

We were joking about ways to make it 'fun". Having someone decorate her casts. Painting them. Making funny t shirts for nosy people in public, lol that sort of thing.

I'm sort of interested in how it is going to challenge some of my 'crunchy' parenting practices.
Babywearing for example is going to be challenging but I'm very interested in trying!
Nursing will be a bit of a challenge with the casts and the bar, and I'm sure co sleeping could prevent a few challenges too... So there's some new fun crunchy challenges I'll have to face parenting a special needs baby.

I'll be sure to update and blog a little more on how all of that goes!

But there's still a little more to come...

My Little Riot Girl pt 1

So many times I've meant to come and update this. So many times I felt like I should come here and share what was going on.
At first I wanted to share the exciting news that we were once again expecting! But then, I didn't get around to it.
Then I wanted to share that we were going to have a new little baby girl! We were happy and excited about our new little one. She was a little difficult in the womb like her big sister Rebel so we nicknamed her Riot.

I wanted to come and tell everyone about our new bundle and all of our excitement.

Then the bad news started coming in. It was one thing, and then another, and then another. I wanted to blog it at that point just to document it. To share my emotions as I went through this step by step.

I wanted to share the research I was doing. The thoughts that all but encompassed my life.

But I guess while I was living it, and people knew, I wasn't really ready to face it all.

As I am pretty much weeks from delivery, I'm going to go through this as step by step as I can.

I AM still expecting. She is still very loved and very much anticipated. We still love each and every aspect of our little Riot. It's just been a bit of a hard journey so far.

So, this is part one.

First, we had somewhat planned and talked about adding a new little one into the family at *some* point. There had been no clear decisions made. However, in the mean time as I'd blogged before with the hives they had a suspension that I had a progesterone allergy and pulled me off birth control. We were doing the Natural Family Planning route... and honestly, it was working great lol because I pretty much knew the exact time and moment that little Riot was conceived. I knew I was ovulating, and knew something should be done to 'prevent' said little Riot from being conceived but thought, oh what will ONE TIME do? lol 

So here we were about 4 weeks later. I was still nursing so no real cycles to track or be late from so to speak so I took a test 'just in case' and figured it was just out of paranoia. Lo and behold the little plus sign came up pretty quick.

I think Dropout and I were both a little flabbergasted but we were still happy and excited. I'm a pretty fertile chic apparently ;-)

Everything seemed to go okay in the start. My doctor checked my levels immediately and did an ultrasound to date and make sure things looked okay after my previous losses and issues. I like that they take things seriously there and try to do what they can to make things go smooth from the start.

Other than a scare or two in the beginning when we couldn't find her, then couldn't find a heartbeat later on, things went smooth. My uterus is very tilted. (Almost "backwards" they say) so ultrasounds can be hard.

We had another scare later on when the doctor tried to use the doppler to hear the heartbeat, even at a point we should be able to, and couldn't find it and I had to be rushed to an ultrasound to check. Did an ultrasound on the tummy and couldn't find her, then had to do a vaginal ultrasound and found her. It was scary to be so far and feel like something could have happened. But it was just my silly uterus again and things were fine.

My thyroid meds had to be adjusted twice to make sure that things were okay and we had to do lots of bloodwork and checking but otherwise things were looking good. :-)

We were excited about going to our 20 week ultrasound to confirm things were going okay and find out what gender our little one was.

Dropout left work to come and we found out that we were having another little girl. Everything looked good on the ultrasound. She was being a little difficult and they couldn't do all the check off's they do at the 20 week ultrasound so we were told come back in 4 weeks to get the rest. But what they could see, looked good.

The plan was to come back in four weeks and get a look at the other organs and things we had been unable to see, then once a month for a growth check due to my autoimmune and thyroid issues.

It's always busy in this crunchy mama's house!

I've had a lot going on and a lot of planning for things that will be going on so it seems like every down time minute is even taken over by something lately.

It's SPRING! Well, almost. The weather has been nice and it makes me feel so unfocused! I get so antsy and anxious and just want to be doing things! Anything!

Homeschooling has been a little lax lately. I kind of admit we've pretty much given up on our curriculum at the moment. The curriculum we were using was a bit boring and unstimulating to my girl unfortunately and she was going through it so fast that I had to all but abandon it so we wouldn't have it done half way through the year.

We have been supplementing with different things. We do Math from a curriculum still, but not daily. Weekly though.

On Wednesday's she still has her home school co op which has all the same fun classes from Science to history to Taekwondo. She also has a Science class at the zoo every week and a

PE/Health class twice a week so it's not like she's not doing anything.

The little one had her first birthday party. It was lots of fun. I made her a yummy Pumpkin Apple Harvest Cake. Low sugar and full of good stuff. She didn't get the crazy messy first birthday pictures but she still had a great time.

Her grandma, aunt and cousin got to come down from out of state to visit and she got lots of fun toys to play with so overall she had a good first birthday.

I'm making plans for starting a garden this year. I tried a container garden last year and failed pretty miserably, haha. Maybe this year it will go a little better if I actually get things in the ground. So I'm in the works of planning that out.

I'm also planning out Lil's home school curriculum for next year. Which of course takes up quite a bit of time. Trying to plan out activities and what we will be involved in is a daunting task in itself. It is somewhat amazing all the options and experiences that a homeschooling kid can have around here. Not to mention the hundreds, if not thousands, of options you can have when putting together curriculum.

I've got a few speeches I'm doing for different groups and organizations coming up as well. On fun crunchy mama type of topics ;-) So I've been trying to work that into the agenda to work on.

Also, I became the Co-Leader for our local Holistic Mom's Chapter and I am very excited about this new task and opportunity. I've already got quite a bit in the works for that and things I am going to help out with.

So, I think that's what has been going on in a nutshell. Trying to plan for the Spring/Summer in aspects of daily life/Activities/Garden and then farther into the Fall for Schooling.

I'm so excited about all the fun things that the nice weather brings!

Bet You Can't Guess Where I Am

Well, I'll forgo the suspense. I'm in a hotel. In my hometown. Not more than 10 minutes from my house.

With the husband, the kids and the cats. haha! For at least a week.

Turns out there's mold in my basement. Started with a leak from the washing machine. We're hoping it's not too bad and has only affected one wall right behind where the washer is. BUT of course, we still have to get it cleaned up.

I am not sure if I have mentioned it, but my Mother in Law moved in with us not long ago. She was alone in her house after Father in law died, and it didn't seem right to have her there alone. So we cleaned out our basement and turned it into a little efficiency apartment for her. So that's where she's been. It's kind of cute down there actually.

She was sick. Like several rounds of antibiotics and even steroid shots kind of sick. Funny thing is, all of us upstairs had been battling a 'cold' for the past six weeks or so as well. I've been on antibiotics for a sinus infections. MIL a bacterial infection. Rebel has been on several rounds of antibiotics for an ear infection. When MIL's doctor said, "Maybe there's mold in the house?" huh.

We are kind of young and new to home owning. It never even occurred to us. So we had a professional come in and do the test, and lo and behold. Yup.

If it ain't one thing it's another as they say. Blargh.

So, it's going to take at least 2-3 days to clean up. We moved MIL into brother in laws house with her dog for a bit, and two cats in with a friend, and took two cats and the kids to a hotel.

I'm trying to stick to my 'crunchy' ways as much as possible.

I packed overtly heavy. A family of four plus pets in a week long hotel stay already requires a bit of packing.

Add in a full set of plates, cups, bowls, dish soap, baby proofing items, things to entertain everyone, (Diapers cause I am not allowed to use my cloth at the moment, BOO!) food that I preplanned and packed, etc and you have a hefty load to haul! Add in the homeschooling books and materials too and wow! haha

We are having a good time though. I decided to go with a hotel that had an indoor pool and hot tub and things for a little bit more so we could have some fun and take our minds off the stress of everything going on. After school we plan to head down to the pool and relax for a few. We have dinner's made up and in the fridge.

The Little One has a basket of toys spread out in the floor and is playing away. It will be an interesting week!

Lil is still going to be working on her schoolwork.

Happy New Year!

Here we are! 2011! Wow, what a year 2010 was! I fully believe that through the years life has gotten better and better so I am excited about what 2011 will bring!

My family has a few New Year's Traditions. I try to spend New Year's Eve with family. It may not be the most exciting to party it down with the kiddos, lol, but I like to be around who I want to be around in the coming year.

This year, Hubby, Lil (I'm going to have to come up with a new nickname for her, as she is not so 'little' anymore! She's getting to be a big girl!) and Rebel and I were at the house. We had planned on having some family and friends over but things just came up. One friend's significant other ended up having to work, one family's little one was fighting a nasty tummy bug/rotavirus, brother in law had company come in from out of state.... things just didn't work out so we decided to have a nice family night instead.

We rented some movies and video games that we could all play together. (Jeopardy was the hit of the night, haha) At about 10 to midnight, hubby turned on the countdown show and we watched until the ball drop then he ran out into the pouring rain and blew off some fireworks.

RebelBoo had fallen fast asleep long before this, haha

But Lil was rather enjoying the fun. I had planned to break out some sparkling juice to toast with but forgot I put it into the fridge to chill, oh well.

Now on New Year's Day, the tradition in my family is that whatever you do on New Year's Day, you will be doing for the rest of the year.

My mother was adamant about this rule! She was always the funniest thing to watch scrambling around on New Year's Day. She would take her canoe out and sit it in the front yard and pretend to 'row' around for ten minutes or so, she'd then jump on one of the horses and ride around for a few minutes, read a book for 10 minutes, then take a 10 minute power nap, etc etc. It was fun.

Oddly enough, my mother is always VERY busy and seems to lead a rather hectic life at times, haha, wonder why? ;-)

Anyway, though. That tradition still stands. I always try to fit in lots of family time on New Year's Day, I try to contact people I want in my life in the coming year, read a little, relax, just make it a good day. I try not to clean too much, haha, or spend money. I justify light cleaning as something that means I will be tending to my family in the coming year.

Food wise, our tradition is to eat pork of some sort. ("Chickens scratch backwards, cows stand still and a pig roots forward." So you want to move forward in the coming year.) I normally do a baked ham. Cola syrup, pineapples, brown sugar, mmmm

We also eat a form of greens, before hubby I would have cabbage but he can't even stand the smell, haha, so I modified it to a bright green leafy salad.

Black Eyed Peas are a must! Luck and prosperity for the coming year! This year I was able to find fresh black eyed peas, not the dried or canned and I must say, the taste was so much better! I hope I can continue to find them! Yum!

Hubby did go out to buy a soda for himself at a gas station and for fun he bought a scratch off. (We never waste money on those things) He won $10. I take it that means, financially it will be a good year! Which should be nice cause we've been going a little broke lately, haha

This year to come, I've set no New Year's Resolutions. I don't believe in them as much as I am for traditions.

I think they set you up for failure.

I don't like to start a new year off with failure.

Instead, my goals are to continue improving myself. To continue doing what is best for my family. To be the best mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend I can be. To continue this year doing what I can to better the world in the little ways that I can and to do as little harm to the world as I can as well.